I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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