How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
