It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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