im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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