CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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