Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
