The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
