I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
