I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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