Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
