This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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