When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
