Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The uberlube is also flammable
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
