I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I smell like Dick and happiness
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
