She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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