Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
