Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
