i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
