oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
