Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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