its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
