when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
