did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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