i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
