you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
