the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
