my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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