Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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