Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
