Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
