Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
