My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I smell stomach acid.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
