I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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