I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
