I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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