my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
