Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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