If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
