Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
