Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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