i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
