My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
