The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
