Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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