jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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