my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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