Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
