you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
