Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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