a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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