2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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