He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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