I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
